Fire In The Hole!
by Dianne
Summary: Johnny's survived snake bites, burns, being hit by a car and the Phantom's pranks, but will he survive the great Halloween chilli cook-off? Inspired by an email joke someone sent me and all the lovely Emergency stories out there in fanfic.
1. Chapter 1

Gage POV:

It's a nice turn out for the firehouse chilli cook-off and Halloween carnival to raise funds for Rampart General's Paediatric Ward this afternoon. It feels really good to be doing something for the kids who are brought there … some of them by Roy and I. Roy's cooking hamburgers at one of the many grills for those less adventurous souls who can't handle chilli. Okay, I'm one 'em but no one has to know, right?

Roy's wife Joanne and I walk around a bit with Chris and Jen, Roy's kids, my God children. _Man it feels good to say that_. There were several vendors' tables we were checking out with the kids, Chris in particular looking at some carved wooden horses. They were beautiful and soon I found myself as engrossed in the figures as he was.

"Johnny, if you and Chris are done looking at the toys, I think we should go help Roy out at the grill," Joanne teased me.

I took a five-dollar bill from my pocket and bought a horse for Chris, promising Jen that when we got to the doll section I'd buy her one.

"Will you play dollies with me later?" Jen asked, her blue eyes staring into my heart, those blonde pigtails laying on her slightly tilted little shoulders. It doesn't help that she's dressed as a princess this year for Halloween.

"Sure … yeah." _Oh man, why can't I just say no. By tomorrow night I'm gonna be sitting at that little table in Jen's room with Joanne and Jen drinking tea from pink china wearing some feathery hat that'll make me sneeze for three days. _

I smiled convincingly as Jen selected a new doll. I paid for it as Joanne told me I spoil the kids too much. On the way over to the grill to help Roy out, I bought a bunch of lilies for Joanne. She's like a sister to me; a gift Roy gave me when he first brought me home and introduced me to his family.

"Hey, Pally," I said, walking up to my best friend who's dressed as a giant jack o' lantern. I hand him a cold beer I bought from a booth run by none other than Dr. Brackett, who's dressed as a … doctor. Roy downed a quarter of the beer, wiping sweat from his brow. I just grinned at him as I sipped my cola leisurely. I wasn't due to flip burgers until evening when it would be cool.

"Sure is hot over here by these grills," I said, mock sympathy lacing my words as I grinned cheekily at Roy. Roy was about to retort when a harried looking man with thinning grey hair who I think is from Rampart's accounting department came running up.

"You, Fireman," said the harried and now sweaty accountant as he squinted at my nametag, "We need a third judge for the chilli cook-off. I think you'd fit the bill just fine, after all there is firehouse chilli on the menu."

I stammered a bit. People looked at me expectantly. _Geez, I'm supposed to put out fires, not start 'em_, I grumbled to myself. These things can get really competitive. I shouldn't have dressed up like a fireman! That'll teach me. Next year I'm being a cowboy, Chet can eat his heart out.

It seems original judge number three for the chilli cook-off jumped ship due to the fact that Marco Lopez entered the contest; I was going to say no too! Marco is extremely excited about his entry into the cook-off. He steps up to the table I've unwittingly been led to just beaming with pride, leaning down and telling me in confidence that he was able to use up all of the chilli peppers Mama Lopez had picked from her garden.

"Marco, are you insane! Are you sure that's even legal?" I'm joking, but I'm scared.

Roy speaks up just as the harried Rampart accountant is about to give up and move on to find someone to replace his absentee chilli judge.

"Johnny here would love to help out the children at Rampart Hospital by being a judge in the chilli-cook off, wouldn't you Johnny? After all, you have nowhere to be until this evening, when it's cool."

Suddenly people are clapping. Jen and Chris are the loudest. How can I say no now?

Cap, who's grilling hotdogs overhears some of our conversation and looks warily at Marco's entry. Cap is judge number two.

"Looks like it's settled then." Cap takes off his apron and heads over to the table covered with a white tablecloth. There are three chairs, all with little signs with numbers on them that we're told to hold up after we sample each chilli while giving our critique of the dish in front of us. I'm completely nervous. There must be a hundred people watching. On the other hand Cap looks completely comfortable even though he knows about Mama Lopez's chillies. To my surprise, judge number one is Dixie McCall who's dressed as a vampire … _um, vapiress? Is that even a word?_ She looks great. She settles comfortably, spoon in hand as she sniffs Marco's chili as my shift mate looks on hopefully. Well at least we judges get all the free beer we can drink. Poor Dix though, she's on duty this evening so she has to stick with cola. Cap and I can't drink in uniform and we're not on duty so we take off our blues.

Let the judging begin. _Gulp! _I look on nervously as Cap takes his first bite.

"A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Never had potato in chili before though. It's not the way mum makes it," Cap says, jotting down some additional remarks as Chet, maker of said chilli rolls his eyes and glares at me.

_Oh man, if I don't like his chilli, the Phantom's gonna be murder for the next few shifts. _

Now it's Dixie's turn. Chet had better not glare at her like that or next time he's a patient at Rampart he's gonna find himself on the wrong end of a thermometer. She'd do it too.

"Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild," Nurse McCall tells the crowd of onlookers through her fake fangs.

I look at Roy for help. He's no help. I just heard him tell Joanne how I hate spice. Then he whispered, "_This is going to be fun"_

It's my turn.

I raise the spoon to my mouth not liking how Chet is looking at me. He looks … _sneaky _The plume on his hat … I'm not sure what he's dressed as, blows to the side and sticks to his moustache.

I put a spoonful of Chet's _Irish _Chilli in my mouth and at first it seems okay. I don't even mind the potato in it and then …"Holy crap! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it!"

Chet looks a bit put out but Cap and Roy pat him on the back as I down two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. Chet's nuts! I let my tongue cool in the air as I watch Cap drag entry number two in front of him with gleeful anticipation. I think he missed his calling in life with the way he loves to eat. He should have been a restaurant critic but with these entries I honestly think he'd be in more danger of food poisoning than being hurt as a fireman. _Why did I take this 'honour'?_

XXXX

And now Captain Stanley's firsthand take on entry number two:

"Hm, 'Deacon's Digestive Dynamite," I read from the label, smiling knowingly at Gage and watching as he reads the label on entry number two over my shoulder with much trepidation. I know for a fact that the guy's over at 110, my youngest man's old station must have helped Deacon cook this because Gage told me Deacon's rather hopeless in the kitchen.

I take a taste, swishing it around in my mouth a bit before swallowing, enjoying the warming sensation.

"Smoky, with a hint of fake pork. Slight jalapeno tang," I announce holding up a sign and people clap politely.

It's nice to see the kids running around with balloons and some smiles around us. In the background there are rides for the children and dunking booths and a carnival atmosphere around the haunted house. In the distance Mike stands beside Big Red, giving children tours of the cab area and the back. I wish he'd relax. He wipes that truck down with a polish rag each time a youngster steps off her. So far _she,_ as Mike calls Big Red hasn't been needed today. I hope he only ever has to use her today to douse Gage's burning innards. He just can't take hot and spicy food. His version of chili, which I've eaten, only because I like to eat and forgot my own lunch at work a few times, is nearly chilli pepper free. He's in for it!

Dixie blows on her spoonful of entry number two and winks at Deacon who stands in front of us as she tastes it. It's a good thing Ms. McCall isn't married because Deacon's looking down her low plunging black vampire dress. _Oops, sorry Emily, I wasn't looking at her, I was looking at Deacon looking at her. _My wife stares me down and I gulp, going back to my chilli judging. And speaking of chilli, it might be chilli at home tonight …

Now Dixie has her say on entry number two. A first hand account:

"Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously." I pronounce this judgement; winking at Deacon and nodding slightly toward Gage who looks somewhat relieved at my pronouncement. Gage forgets that I like to eat whole jalapeno peppers from a jar that Mama Lopez cans herself at home and chase it down with a brisk frozen daiquiri on a hot summer day after a long shift at Rampart.

So far, Gage is the only one who hasn't checked me out. I don't know if I should be insulted or worried. His eyes are streaming and bloodshot already and he's only tasted one chilli.

XXXX

_Okay, John, get ahold of yourself_, I scold myself, swishing down just a little more beer to insulate my tongue.

I look over at Roy who looks way too amused for my liking. Joanne slaps him slightly on the arm and smiles encouragingly at me. _I can do this. I think. I mean, I'm a paramedic, what could go wrong that I can't fix?_

Just when I think Joanne is on my side, and I'm still kind of sitting with my tongue out in the cool air that fall is starting to bring, she snaps me out of my reverie and gestures her hand to her mouth with a spoon in it to make me try some of entry number two. For someone dressed as a medieval fairy complete with the lilies I bought her in her hair, she looks not so much _medieval_ as just plain _evil_. _Thanks for the help_ ... She smiles sweetly as the crowd looks expectantly at me.

So I taste it.

My eyes burn and water and I think I can see my own intestines smoking! I choke out my judgement, glaring at Deacon and thinking of some discreet hex that I could do to him to make him feel my pain.

"Keep this chilli out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain!" I yell, holding my sign up with shaking hands.

I wave off Dixie and Joanne who look like they want to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre as I choke. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Cap and Roy sit there quite smugly, amused by my agony. I can't feel my tongue. I can't tell if Deacon looks apologetic or like he's going to burst from trying to suppress laughter. I mark off the box next to Deacon's entry on the paper before me with the various contestants' names and chilli concoctions names as Cap pats his belly hungrily and digs into entry number three. _Thank God, the last one; I may yet survive this._

XXXX

And now a word from our favourite Cap firsthand:

"Ah, Marco's Burn-Down-The-Barn-Chilli," I say, looking at some my crew who have shown up wearing hats that resemble huge jalapeno peppers. "Just like mom makes!"

I dig in with great enthusiasm, noting however that even though Marco used the same recipe as Mama Lopez does, somehow it's not quite the same.

"Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick," I announce with enthusiasm, wanting to eat the entire bowl but knowing I have to wait for the other two judges before I can make off with a whole pot of the stuff and sit under a tree with a loaf of bread and butter and eat my fill. I've never been able to make chilli but if they ever have a clam chowder cook off, I'm the guy.

I scribble some notes down and hold up my sign, as Mike finishes up with the kid's tour of Big Red and makes his way over to the spectacle.

As I write, Mike leans over and whispers, "Cap, I think we should take Gage for some ice cream once this is finished. He looks like he's gonna explode. One of the kids taking the tour of Big Red said his face is the same colour as the big pretty engine.

Looking over at my youngest crewmember I tend to agree, slightly glad even more that there are doctors here … he doesn't look so good. No one's ever died from a chilli- cookout contest before, right?

Mike, ever the sympathetic one, hands Johnny another glass of beer, which he promptly downs, burps, excuses himself, possibly blushing but who would be able to tell?

Ah, it's Nurse McCall's turn. Her eyes are watering. Wonder why?

XXXX

And now, a judgement from Ms. McCall. Firsthand:

"A bit salty, good use of peppers," I pronounce, wiping a few tears out of my eyes and brushing my brow with the back of my hand, a little of the white pancake makeup coming off.

Honestly, this stuff is hot, even for me but I don't want to scare Johnny off tasting it. That would ruin the fun. I'm going to have a beer, just one won't hurt.

I compose myself and wipe my face with a white napkin, finding to my horror that my mascara is running due to the hot pepper making my eyes water. I should have gone to the lab and borrowed some goggles. I hold up my sign and take notes smiling at Marco. Hm, it's Johnny's turn and I'm kind of glad that as a nurse I didn't have to take the Hippocratic oath as I push a bowl of Marco's chilli toward him. He looks like someone's playing the death march for Pete's sake. I wonder if I should take his vitals …

XXXX

I pull the bowl toward me. I sniff. I think my nose hair's gone. I take a bite.

"Call the Haz Mat Team! I've located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I've been snorting a gas refinery pipe!" I yell, jumping up from my seat as laughter is heard from every corner.

Everyone knows the routine by now.

"Get me more beer before I ignite!" I down three glasses in quick succession and out of the corner of my stinging eyes I catch Dix doing the same. She won't be going to work tonight. Bracket's looking at her like he'd like to take her vitals too … at home.

Joanne rushes forward and pounds me on the back. Now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

Cap pulls another bowl of the vile concoctions these insane people have been trying to kill me with as he flourishes his hands and in rapid succession takes three huge spoonfuls and says, _"mmm!"_ in my direction while I douse the fire in my belly with yet another beer.

Cap turns to the crowd to give his critique. Many people in the crowd are toasting him for his fortitude and even though right now I probably have the courage and stupidity to suggest he does Latrine duty himself, I have to salute him. He's my cap. I'm drunk. I turn to him, bowing smartly; at least I think so. Does it count if you fall down?

I look up at my other rival. "I'll drink all your beer for you, Dix! I know you have to _burp_ work tonight." I offer. She slaps me on the shoulder as Cap laughs and helps me to my feet. I think Cap's drunk too because he sat back down awfully fast after attempting to stand and salute Dix for taking so many bites of the fourth entry. Oh, I'd better shut up, it's time for King Chilli- head to pass judgement ... _or wind ... there is a lot of beans in this chilli ... Damn!_

"Ah, Junior, I hate to tell you this, but there's a late entry, you have to taste a bit more, comes Roy's voice.

I compose myself, even though Roy's sort of out of focus and I think I'm gonna need glasses before today's over. I sorta want to cry but Cap's already put his bib back on and Dixie's asked for the night off and gotten it and has downed two more beers. _You go girl, if you can do it … well, I'll try._

But it's Cap's turn now.

XXXX

Cap's firsthand account:

"Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing," I pronounce, lying through what's left of my burning teeth. I smile and finish my beer in one, asking for another to _cleanse my pallet only_, I assure my adoring fans. I feel a bit like a hypocrite as I flash as much of a smile as I can muster without showing the hole in my tongue. _Holy crap, who would have thought a little old lady could make such an arse burner! _

I smile as the little old woman who made this chilli steps forward with a scowl of disappointment on her face that I've lied and called her chilli weak and mild. I pretend not to notice her slip a few more chilli peppers from her purse and sneak them into the smoking crock-pot. _'Granny's Flaming Bloomers Chilli' ...yuck, I wouldn't have even eaten that if I'd read the label first. My wife's right, I'll eat anything. Hm, wonder if we get to take any of this stuff home with us?_

Dixie missed the innocent old lady's trick of slipping in the extra chilli peppers and since I lied about her concoction, it's only fair that I keep her secret, right?

XXXX

Dixie's turn:

I take a bite as 'Granny' looks at me expectantly. I compose myself, you know, for Johnny's sake. I think he's gonna cry.

"Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods but not much of a chilli," I proclaim. I saw that innocent looking old lady cheat and slip more jalapeno peppers into the mix after Captain Stanley called it mild. This however doesn't stop me from keeping this fact to myself when I see her step forward and tip her purse over the crock-pot once again. Go ahead; make my day... That's what this old woman is likely thinking. I think Gage will...

XXXX

Did I pass out? When I manage to get my head up off the table, the paper tablecloth sticking to my cheek, I see the sweetest old lady standing expectantly before me.

Ah, that poor old lady. She must make mild chilli because of her age. Cap and Dix don't seem impressed. Joanne peels the paper away from my cheek and smiles at me when I tell her that I'll play this one up just for the little old lady. I think I'm earning major brownie points towards getting her to let Roy come with me fishing next weekend but once again, I see she and Roy exchange significant glances.

I blow on the spoon full of chilli and prepare to taste and act all amazed and pretend it's hot.

But I don't have to pretend! Holy Hell!

After two pints of beer and Joanne yelling at me for drinking two more pints of beer, I'm ready to give my critique to this Grave digger Granny!

"I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Nurse Sharon, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills as I wobbled as I stood. I think Joanne's about to trip her as she keeps my cup filled. Wow, she looks HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac? My tongue is numb now, so is my brain...probably nothing I can do about it now if this stuff is an aphrodisiac...

_Okay, four, no five down, only...Oh my God, two more to go! _

"Miiiikey?" I slur.

"Yeah, Johnny?"

"Why're they letting people enter late?"

"Entry fee's ten bucks, Johnny, just think of all the stuff that'll buy."

Mike pats me on the head. I don't know if I sat down or he got taller.

Oh. My. God.

I can do this. I'll just watch Cap. He has to go first. Fearless leader.

XXXX

Cap's turn:

_Mmmm, Lisa's Legal Lip Remover_... I read the label, looking for Lisa, which in a crowd this big is like looking for Waldo in one of those damn games Gage always brings to work. I wasn't looking for her to look _AT_ her... Ooo Emily looks mad...

I lower my spoon into the chilli just as lovely Lisa steps forward. My eyes travel from my down- headed position as I take a slurp. Even I can barely contain wanting to choke out a few swear words as the liquid travels down my throat, feeling like it's invading my sinuses, but I do. After all, Gage looks worried ... and hopeful.

"Meaty, strong chilli. Well, as meaty as vegetarian chilli can be... Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive," I say, making a check mark next to Lisa's name, which I notice has a pair of lips drawn next to it that seem to kiss up at you when you make your mark. Emily sees the drawn lips and scowls at Lisa and I wouldn't want to be Lisa for all the gold in the world right now... I don't think Lisa is interested in Gage as he's sweating profusely and complaining of gas pains. For his part, I don't think Gage has even noticed Lisa's long legs over the tankard of beer he is holding like a best friend.

XXXX

Dixie's turn:

I'm all business with this one. No pleasantries. I think this Lisa person is a real tart as she was all over Captain Stanley in front of his wife just a second ago and likely will be all over Gage in a minute when it's his turn.... or not. Johnny's looking a little green. I wonder if I should take his vitals? Nah, too drunk. Time to give my assessment of the other patients, chilli that is. Hey! She better get her eyes off'a my doctor … um, you know, not _my _doctor, just Rampart's doctor Bracket_._

"Chili using shredded tofu, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement." I leave it at that.

Lecherous Lisa moves on to Johnny who proceeds to belch in her face, apologize and then taste her chilli from a spoon she holds up to his lips. Joanne, ever protective of her little brother figure, not wanting to cause too big a scene, doesn't outright hit Lisa but steps forward and takes the spoon from Lisa's hands and proceeds to give Gage a taste of it. She scowls at Lisa disdainfully. The men in the crowd seem to enjoy Lisa's flair so we leave her to it as poor Johnny smiles at Joanne as she spoons him his poison that he so foolishly volunteered to taste.

XXXX

Gage turn:

"Oh, Joanne! Thank God! Can you water this down for me?" I beg her but Jo's too honest to cheat.

"You're fine, Johnny. Only one more to go after this and then you can have your stomach pumped or something..." she smiles at me. Right now, that sounds heavenly. Painful, but heavenly.

I put my finger up in a 'wait a second' gesture as I down another half tankard of beer and steel myself for the onslaught of aftertaste and burn. Right now, I'm glad I'm sitting next to a nurse, even if she is sort of drunk. _I wonder if it's possible to grow a whole new stomach?_

I take a bite.

Holy hell! I think this stuff has truth serum in it. I feel completely honest! Well, I suppose it could be the beer... I stand and look Lisa straight in the... Er...Okay, I haven't actually stood yet...There, that's better. Lisa has cross-eyes, poor thing... I put my finger in her face accusingly. I think I touched her nose...

"My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. If I were to pass wind right now, I'm quite sure those behind me would need a doctor," I confess.

Lisa seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Joanne saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really ticks me off that Cap and Roy asked me to stop screaming.

XXXX

Cap's turn:

When Gage finally stops screaming and we've convinced Joanne to let him continue judging, we taste the fifth chilli and lie to Johnny that it's the last one. He looks like he could kiss me. I can smell the beer from here. I really think Johnny would pass out without the cold beer to douse the imaginary flames that he keeps screaming about. I think he'll like chilli number six, _Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety_... It's kind of ironic. I thought it would be me suffering through all of this vegetarian chilli and it was Gage who told me to suck it up. _Famous last words, pal... if you and Chet haven't given me an ulcer yet, there isn't a chilli this side of the border that will do it._

"Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers," I say, more to Gage than to Vera who claps her hands in delight as the crowd applauds politely.

Dixie dips her spoon in. "The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb," she says sincerely.

Johnny stands up, stifles a belch unsuccessfully and proceeds to yell at poor Vera who looks on the verge on tears. If this wasn't so funny, I'd stop it.

Gage screams, "My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. If my friend Roy here hadn't taught me butt crunches I'd be scared that I would likely mess my trousers if I should pass wind and that it would eat right through the chair! You will notice madam that no one seems inclined to stand behind me any longer. I can't feel my lips anymore. I'm going to need to wipe my rear end with a snow cone when I'm finished this hateful contest. Does anyone have a snow cone?" Johnny finishes in a meek voice, not caring in the slightest That Chet and Marco are practically rolling in the aisles now.

Johnny whispers a conspiracy theory to me that my crew have never liked him since he moved from 110's.

"Oh please don't have let Dr. Early enter this contest too. Bury me with an ice pack on my butt if I die from good civic duty here today," Gage whimpers to me as Roy looks embarrassed that Gage just told a huge gathering of people that he taught him butt crunches. Even I want to know the story behind that...

XXXX

Dixie's turn:

We go through the second to last chilli, as we keep assuring our woozy friend, Johnny.

I taste it.

"A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers," I report, sounding bored but feeling secretly as though my insides are being scrubbed against a pummice stone. Mmm, good though... "More beer please."

Captain Stanley is laughing outwardly now as Johnny glares at him and his men egg him on to make Johnny think the chilli is mild. He gathers himself after the taste and looks thoughtfully at the crowd, which seems to wait with baited breath now.

"Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment," Captain Stanley announces, me taking note that he is worried about Johnny who now appears to be in distress and cussing uncontrollably. People are starting to lead their children away.

Johnny glares at Roy and me and takes a sip of chilli right from the bowl. I don't think he has the co ordination to make a spoon go to his mouth any longer. He looks resigned to his fate as he mumbles out his verdict.

"You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it's made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unhindered out of my mouth. If I'm not directed to the nearest bathroom soon, my trousers will be full of lava to match my shirt. At least when that damn hospital does an autopsy on me like I know they're dying to they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach."

Now-Nearly-Hairless-Accountant-Guy looks like he's about to faint. One of his contestants that HE picked has disparaged the hospital. The hospital they are trying to make money for. The crowd eats it up. They think it's part of the act. Phew!

Roy and Cap slap each other on the back and Johnny ends up giving Roy a huge bear hug and Dixie flops back down. Good thing this really is the last chilli of the day.

"Big Tom's Toenail Curling Chilli...." I read aloud with much trepidation. Old Tom, the barman from the Leaky Hose who used to be a lineman at station 36, arms folded in anticipation, is gesturing for me to eat up.

"The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence," I offer so as not to offend Tom. He's huge and I eat at the Leaky Hose every now and then with Kel and the guys from fifty-one so no joking with this one lest I find a real toenail in my food next time I order some soup or something...

Captain Stanley seems to share my thoughts. He would never insult a restaurateur.

"This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot." Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Gage burped, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it, poor fellow, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?

XXXX

I wake up in the back of a car … _Oh my God, I'm in a hearse, I died! They finally killed me, from chilli. _

I was soooo drunk. Still am. Dead and drunk. Dead drunk.

The door opens and I roll to my side and scream as a doll stares at me with one eye open and one closed. The doll I bought Jennifer earlier. Oooh, I hate dolls!

My mouth feels like it's filled with cotton. I look up blearily finding I'm at least not in a hearse, I'm in Roy's station wagon.

A moan comes from the front seat. I sit up and smack my already throbbing cranium on the roof of the car and chance a glance over the seat. I follow a very shapely leg up a very shapely body to a … Dixie!

_Ohmygodohmygod, what did we do? _Wait a minute, we're separated by four inches of foam covered in the thickest fake cowhide this side of The Leaky Hose's booths so nothing happened … whew. Not that Dix didn't look fang-tastic last night, it's just that with my luck I'd get hurt tomorrow on duty and Bracket would punish me for it.

Dixie's fake fangs are stuck to the dashboard. Ew. Not exactly dentures floating in a glass gross but close enough. I reach over and poke her shoulder; you know, just for good measure, make sure she's okay. It's the least I can do. Really. After pretending that last chilli wasn't hot I should play a Halloween prank on her or something.

Yeah, just as soon as I can walk …

I open the car door. Big Red sits alone while Mike and the others help clean up. The children are gone but the smell of frying hamburgers and food still lingers in the air.

Oh god … I slam the door closed again, my palm to my mouth, chanting, _not gonna be sick, not gonna be sick … _

"Out of the way!" I yell as I stagger to the restrooms. I slip in a puddle of … "Nooooo!" It's chilli. The smell is in my nose, along with a red kidney bean lodged up there somewhere that won't come back out. _Misery, death by kidney bean._

I roll onto my back and stare straight into the eyes of the biggest damn jack o' lantern I've ever seen.

"I'm drunk," I tell the jack o' lantern in my best diagnostic serious paramedic voice.

"Yeah, Junior I can see that. Need a hand up?"

I have my pride. It's one thing to be carried out of a burning building after having saved someone's life, another entirely to accept help for a self inflicted wound, and speaking of wounds, I look down to check on the hole in my stomach. It's gone!

I make it to my knees by myself. I make it half way up to a standing position. I think my pride is lost somewhere in a cauldron of that evil concoction called chilli. I take Roy's offered hand and he pulls me up straight, steadying me with an arm around my shoulders.

"I love you man!" I say quite sincerely. _Oh my God, chilli took away my censorship button. _But the truth is, Roy is my brother, we trust each other with our lives, one day he'll be my best man if I ever get married … if any girl will have me with this stupid kidney bean stuck up my nose.

Mike comes over and takes my other arm. Someone's gonna drive my Land Rover back to the station. Bracket is removing Dixie from Roy's car. I wonder where she'll stay tonight … I'm piled into the back of the Desoto Station Wagon once more. Jen picks up my arm and puts that cursed doll under it. I shiver slightly, trying to hide my displeasure with such an arrangement but my godchild is a princess and I'll suffer the nightmares of ugly dolls for her anytime.

The ride to the Desoto's is bumpy and I taste chilli again. We bump up over the curb in front of Roy's house and Roy and Joanne lead me to my room … well it's a guest room I guess, but in a drawer in the dresser is a set of my clothes, my shaving stuff, my pillow. I feel my head hit the pillow and am just drifting off when I'm assaulted nasally … that sounds vaguely dirty I know, but it's Roy with some tweezers.

I sigh. "Thanks, partner." The dreaded bean of death is gone.

A washcloth swipes my face and I lean into it as Joanne giggles.

"Dr. Bracket said this was the most successful fundraiser the hospital has ever had," she whispers. "By the time Johnny tasted the third chilli the crowds around the booth swelled to over three hundred and that accountant guy started taking bets on when Johnny would give up or fall down. Dr. Early said that was unethical but the accountant insisted he'd never taken a Hippocratic oath in his life and charity betting was allowed."

I cracked my eyes open and felt the pull of a smile on my lips.

"You did good, Junior, you did real good. Now sleep."

Roy covered me with a blanket and the lights dimmed. I watched him walk to the door with Joanne but he stopped before he left.

"I'll be up in a few. I have to make sure our patient here doesn't aspirate on us."

"I resent that," I mutter. But the giddiness of drunkenness is leaving and the prospects of driving the big white bus are increasing.

Roy takes a seat beside me as the misery picks up.

"Thanks, Pally."

"No problem, Johnny. So about next year's Halloween Chilli cook-off …

"Forget it! Get Chet."

"Chet doesn't have your intestinal fortitude."

"Did we really beat last year's total?"

"Yeah, we did."

"Good. Put me down for next year."

"Oh, Junior, only you would go where angels fear to tread."


	2. The Little Merman

Gage Pov:

I wake up in the dark in a puddle of drool, my lips glued to the pillow. _Oh yeah, I'm at Roy's house_. Yesterday's events go through my mind in quick succession but even faster through my body. _Not. Going. To. Throw up!_

So much for that. One look at the sea-themed decorations in the kid's washroom has me recalling my sea sickness from a rescue on a yacht a few days ago. What a week!

Feeling like I'm walking the plank on that damned yacht with a thousand gallons of chili churning like an ocean in my belly I make my way toward the kitchen where a dim light beckons. The smell of bacon on top of the fact that people who feel like I do right now really shouldn't go towards the light has me turning on my heels quickly.

I think there's another chili bean in my nose now…

I grab my toothbrush from my shaving kit someone has so graciously placed on the sea shell laden shelf (try saying that ten times fast) and brush what's left of my teeth. I try to drag a comb through my hair, give up and just step into the shower. Reaching up with, _what do you know … ocean breezes shampoo_, I withdraw my hand from my scalp with a gasp. There's something stuck there. Images of tick infested hippies Dr. Morton told me about gag me but I man up and reach back up to my scalp. I'm a paramedic for Pete's sake! I take a deep breath, inhaling water, and ocean breezes and choke slightly. I grasp the engorged little bugger and pull with all my might only to have my arm fling back and crack my elbow against the … who puts a lobster trap in a bathroom! The damned thing must have been full and ready to drop off to seek a new victim. I fling it from me hoping it would go down the drain but there it is … at the bottom of the tub, too fat to get past the metal stopper.

I reach down into my shaving kit for a pair of tweezers … no I don't tweeze my eyebrows, they're for splinters. I'm a fireman, we get splinters! I sneak up on the bobbing biter and with a quick pluck, it's safely incarcerated between two metal pincers. _Take that bug_! For a minute I stand staring at it through the thick steam feeling like Davy who just defeated Goliath … well, what he has in the way of being small he makes up for in sheer _Ewwwww! _ Blood sucking little … which reminds me of Vampire Dixie last night for very different reasons. It was all I could do not to stare at her but there's no way I'm going to incur Doctor Brackett's wrath, if I ever get bit by a tick again and don't notice it, he might let it eat me. Besides, after the last bite of chilli I couldn't really see straight anyway so how could I have possibly stared at Dixie's … um, fangs?

I drop the tick still trapped in my tweezers into the sink and pour half a bottle of shampoo into my palm only to reach up with my aching elbow to find … _ohmygodohmygodohmygod there must be ten ticks on my head! _I scream like a little girl, trying to keep my feet off the damned things as they fall, fully engorged red with blood into the bubbly water that is now accumulating because they're blocking the drain. This is worse than Psycho!

XXXX

"Johnny, you okay in there?" Roy calls through the door. But I can't answer because I used too much shampoo and the foam is up over my head now. Gah, where are the ticks? They could be anywhere, swimming their way up through the steam and bubbles. I clamp my mouth and any other orifices firmly shut now picturing scenes from The Thing and Star Trek where brain eating bugs crawl out of people's ears. I fling the shower curtain open in panic, forgetting to step up over the lip of the tub. I grasp at the plastic figure printed on the plastic curtain but she lets me down and I slide over the edge of the tub and into the bathroom door. The door opens slightly, bubbles, steam and …. ticks escaping into the hallway … toward the children!

"Roy, save yourself! Get the kids out of the house! They're coming!"

"Uh, Johnny, what are you talking about?" Roy asks in that way he has when we're rescuing a kid whose head is stuck in a railing or something.

"Ticks! Dozens of 'em!" I yell sticking my head out around the door just as Roy bends over and catches a fat red one that's tried to use the wave of bubbles of soap as a raft to storm the carpet beaches of the bedrooms down the hall.

My stomach turns over as Roy squishes it between his forefinger and thumb. I swipe my hands over my eyes and slam the door shut so more ticks don't get out but I have to be sick … the guts oozing all over his hands like that … Gah!

The toilet's somewhere in the corner through the bubbles and I find it just in time to wretch, aided by the fact that I've just stepped on yet another huge tick, it's guts squishing through my toes.

"John, you should have waited 'til morning to shower. You're still drunk. Come on out and I'll get you something for the nausea. I'm afraid you're gonna fall again and even if you don't you'll end up on a world of hurt if Joanne sees this mess before I can clean it up."

How can Roy be thinking about my nausea when as we speak ten or more ticks are headed straight for his family! Nope, eight, Roy killed one and I killed one … no two, I shudder as I wipe my second victim's guts from my big toe. We can do this, we can win. We're outnumbered, sure, but we're not outranked.

"Okay _burp_ Roy, just lemme put some boxers on in case they climb my legs. No bug takes that route with me!"

"Roy, what is John doing in the bathroom dressed as the Little Mermaid and why are my carpets soaked?" comes Joanne's voice as I hit my elbow again and stifle the cuss I was about to deliver.

"Joanne, it's women and children first!" I gurgle through the bubbles. I forgot to turn the taps off but it's a small price to pay as I think some of the ticks have drowned. "Get yourself and the kids as far away from here as possible! Ticks!" I wipe some steam from the full length mirror just long enough to catch a glimpse of a coconut bra and green, scaly tail … on me. I drop the shower curtain in revulsion. The ticks will think I'm weak dressed like that!

"I'm going back to bed," Joanne says and that's probably smart. This is a job for men!

I put my boxers on.

"Okay, Roy, on the count of three, I'm going to open the door and sneak out, then we'll shut it real quick and lock 'em in here. Just like containing a fire, eh?"

"Sure, sounds like a plan, Junior," Roy says in that same tone he used before.

As I spin and turn the doorknob a wave of vertigo assaults me and I fall out into the hallway. Roy helps me up by my elbows but I wince in pain. Damn, yet another tick.

"Get it off, quick," I say bravely turning my elbow toward his eyes for inspection and splattering his nose with bubbles in the process.

XXXX

Roy's pov:

Johnny's still drunk. Go figure I didn't even get a hotdog last night because of the unanticipated crowds causing a sell out of everything and after watching Johnny throw up chili I wasn't going to touch that stuff for a very long time. The smoke detector alerts me to my burning bacon, a midnight snack I tried to reward myself with.

"Good thinking! Alarms to alert the citizens!" Johnny slurs as I wipe the bubbles from my nose and ease him to a sitting position while I step over him to turn off the taps in the bathroom and open a few windows as Joanne pads down the steps looking to me for confirmation that the fort hasn't been invaded like Johnny is claiming. She herds Chris and Jen back to bed.

When I come back from the kitchen, John's head is lolling on his chest, he's soaking wet in his boxers, a pair of tweezers poised like a tiny sword in his slackened fingers.

"I think they drank all my blood," John complains miserably.

I try not to laugh.

"I'm dehydrated from blood loss, my heart is racing, I'm dizzy. I think they killed me, 'm gonna miss you, Pally…" he trails off with a sad salute.

This has to stop and I can't get through to him.

I pick up one of the red soldiers from the floor, it's covered in bubbles. I rinse it under the tap and raise it to my mouth as John's eyes widen. I take a bite.

In retrospect that wasn't nice. When John's finished losing the rest of his stomach contents I pat him on the shoulder.

"Uh, Roy," he slurs. "You kin _burp_ call off the attack, I was attacked by kid-kidney beans."

I want to be mad. I really do but as I pluck out yet another kidney bean from his mop of hair all I can do is laugh. I leave him in the hallway as I use every towel we own to sop up some of the water and soap. I save one for the warrior, slayer of kidney beans and use it to dry his now kidney bean free hair a bit. He reaches up to protest but his elbow's really swollen and part of me hopes he won't remember any of this in the morning. But then again it would make a great story to tell the guys…

I help my partner back to his bed and plunk him down, propping pillows behind his back. When I return with the first aid kit to examine his elbow, he's already asleep. Joanne peaks in.

"The kids are back to sleep," she whispers seeing that our guest is also sleeping.

John's elbow isn't broken, just badly bruised. He doesn't wake when I wrap it and place it across his chest. Joanne brushes a fringe of hair back from his face fondly."

"Um, Roy, I think Johnny's got a kidney bean stuck up his nose," Joanne says, leaning down so she can see better.

"What? I just took one out of his nose after he slipped and poured that whole pot of chili over himself. I grab the tweezers and pull the offending object out of my partner's nose. He's clean now; I'm letting him sleep it off.

"Is he going to be alright?" Joanne asks looking slightly guilty for having inflicted at least a little bit of John's misery in spooning him chili at the cook off.

I'm sure I'm just paranoid but I listen to my partner's chest to make sure his lungs are clear and no tick/ beans have been aspirated or anything. His pulse is fine, BP fine, and he's firing on one cylinder but that's all he needs while he's sleeping.

"He's fine, he's just hammered," I shrug though I won't leave him alone until I'm sure he's done retching. And I guess I won't try to cook any more bacon as it seemed to have triggered more sickness, after all, he did slay a kidney bean for me and greater love hath no man than he who would lay down his life to … well you know what I mean.

Joanne rolls her eyes and throws me a blanket as I sit in the chair and crack open a book left on the nightstand, ironically entitled The Tick That Ate Toledo. Chet's name is printed on the inside cover. _Oh, now I get it! Well played Phantom...  
_

_A/N Have a bit of writer's block at the moment so I traveled back in time through my stories to try to find my groove. I didn't find it ... but I tried and even a mild smile is better than nothing on days where one is hard to find.  
_


End file.
